orangestory

Cindy, Riah, Mr. Kho, Me, Valen
during the school's official opening ceremony
English Activity Room, 30 September 2004

In secondary school, he was the most hi-tech teacher I ever remembered. That time, he seldom taught us in classroom. He conducted his "lectures" in the AVA room so that all of us could share the air-con. He used PowerPoint slides to teach, he used the visualiser instead of the whiteboard, he even printed lecture notes for us. He bothered to call all to the new foreign students (I was one of them back then) just to have an orientation talk, he sometimes cracked jokes like having the 6th finger when you eat Gardenia bread (ok most of his jokes were not funny -.-")

Some girls might think he was quite good looking (duh, compared to the other Misters in school who are far much older than him -i think he was still around 26 back then-, of course he was the most OK one -.-") He seemed normal and lived a happy life back then (we had no idea that he was gay you know...).

And yeah.. Eagle house rocked. (it contradicts most results but oh still... haha)

Ok. So what caused all this troubles?

Let me quote from the paper:

"But three years later, he asked for a transfer to the Ministry of Education headquarters, where he worked as a curriculum planning officer.
In his mitigation, his lawyers, Mr Subhas Anandan and Mr Sunil Sudheesan, told the court that this switch 'marked the start of our client's troubles'.
Kho suffered from severe depression and sought various means to alleviate his condition, said the lawyers.
To make matters worse, he signed up for a master's programme in education management at the National Institute of Education a year later.
His inability to balance his work and studies with his social life sparked his depression. He eventually did not complete the programme.
Kho's lawyers said that his 'quest in discovering a means to manage his condition led to him talking to strangers in certain Internet relay chat rooms'.
They said he regretted his 'foolish errors' and has since enrolled himself in various rehabilitation and counselling programmes.
Kho's lawyers also added that he quit his job so that he could seek proper medical treatment.
'I want to move on with my life. I just want to seek treatment first,' Kho told The New Paper."

Sir, things are not over yet.

Ganbatte..!!

why do you seem so far away??

everyday i am trying to reach you. to talk to you. to make you happy. but why don't you do a thing? why don't you say a word?

i just wanna be in your presence. i want you. please come to me. i am no kidding when i say that i'm so in love with you. when you are with me, nothing seems to matter anymore. without you i am nothing. but when i am with you, i am something. i am so terribly blessed to be able to know you. and when you say a simple "don't worry, everything will be alright", just like magic, my anxiety is suddenly gone. your words bring peace and joy to me. and i'm serious.

i am getting more and more desparate of you. i am thirsty of your love, thirsty of your voice. please draw me closer to you. i know you want me. i know you love me too. i want you to believe that i love you. each time i am trying my best to please you.

i need you, and i really really do.

please believe me.

but why do you seem so far away??

everyday i am trying to reach you. to talk to you. to make you happy. but why don't you do a thing? why don't you say a word?

you are not sick of me, are you?

sorry, i can't help it, will call you again tonight.

Gahh..

I had my DBIS paper yesterday, and I am confident in passing ok. I think I can hit my target, which is B.

But somehow, after that paper, I finally had no mood to study, literally no mood. On Friday yesterday, I planned to revise MAFIT and then start revising POM the next day, which is today. However, guess what happened? I ended up watching Suzuka the whole day yesterday!! It was such a nice and addicting anime I couldn't help it.

Today I am supposed to mug for POM, but yeah.. In the end, I didn't. What I remember doing was strumming on my beloved guitar and sang songs, a thing that I have not been doing for such a loooonngg time. Darn. I miss my guitar ok? It has been behind my closet for quite sometime and I just opened it, tuned it, and played it. What's wrong with that? Ok, obviously it was wrong because that guitar took over my POM revising time. -.-

I checked my POM student notes and realised that this POM exam is only 40%. As Terence might have said, double-U Tee!! I got C for my overall course grade la!! Great. Last semester, I got C for my overall course grade for Econs, but I studied seriously hard for the main exam, which had a weightage of 60%, and was confident in doing very well for the paper. What did I get in the end for the final result? It was a B. I thought it was fair enough, as I scored quite low for the course grade which was 40%. And now, as I have set a target of B for POM, guess what I should have scored for my main exam??? An 'A' right??? G R E A T.

Ok, now I really have to put back my guitar neatly behind the closet.

But too bad, soon after that, I turned on the computer and blogged.

OH NO!! VACATION IS COMING!!

I hate vacation if I have to spend it alone without the presence of my family and home. I have once spent a 3 months vacation in Singapore (after 'O' levels) and it suckeddd!! Everyday was filled with boredom. Nothing but pure boredom. Of course I want to change my environment during vacation, like going out with different ppl and stuff, learning new things, trying some stuff that I haven't tried before..

No, stop it, Louisa. You will spend 2 boring months in Singapore.. please bear with it, thank you.

Sighss..

I hate today.

I wasted 3 hours of my precious revising time.

I hate that this thing happened again.

Why must I say "yes"?

Why must I go?

ME myself also did not participate much in the RC meeting tonight.

But the 3 hours really affect me much.

Why should I sit in KFC?

Why couldn't I just go home?

Why??

I hate today.

I hate myself.

I feel so disappointed for not being focused.

For not being disciplined enough.

I feel so guilty.

I hate.

I have been thinking of my sister these days and realised how wonderful she is. For those who don't know, let me tell you one fact: my sister is disabled. She is born deaf. This fact answers the question of why my brother and I are in Singapore while my sister is not. I always say that she is not in Singapore because she doesn't want to. True. She doesn't want because she realises that she can't speak english (as no English language centre in Indonesia offers a lesson for the disabled). And for those who wonder how I communicate with her, well, she reads lips. She doesn't use sign language, coz the special school for the disabled she used to attend never encourages its students to use sign language, as most normal people don't understand it.

She is now 21.

For 18 years she has been attending a special school for the disabled and she fared really well, just that the school teaches everything in Indonesian. When she was younger, she always said, "I wish I wasn't disabled..." or perhaps she would ask me or my brother, "Can you hear it? Does it produce a sound?"

She did really well in the special school, but she wanted to get out of her comfort zone. When she expressed her want of attending a normal school, my parents were angry. They thought it was impossible as she would never be able to catch up with the pace of a normal school. Her special school focuses more to technical skills, like cooking, sewing, hairdressing, etc. She learnt only 40% of those maths, physics, whatever subjects that are learnt in a normal school.

But she didn't give up her dream and keep on telling my parents that she really wanted to attend a normal school. She tried many times and failed. My dad had almost given up, but he didn't as he saw his daughter didn't give up. My sister didn't care how many times she failed the admission tests, she didn't care how many schools rejected her without giving her a chance to sit for the entrance test just because she is deaf. She didn't care that she would be 3 years older than her other classmates if she was accepted in a normal school. She had a vision she knew she could reach. God answered her prayer and now she is in her final year in a normal school (SMEA), just like other normal kids do. She said she is contented with her state now, but deep inside she has always wanted to follow me and my brother's footsteps. To go overseas and study.
She is now 21.

She used to have a much bigger dream than anyone could ever imagine. She wanted terribly to be a doctor. My mum loves to buy those encyclopedia and other knowledge books, and we have huge collections of those books in different series. To be honest, I seldom read those books. My sister did, but just one book with a large "Human Body" printed on the cover. That was the only book that my mum had to replace its plastic cover over and over again. When we were little, my sister always asked me to play doctors with her, where she became the doctor and I became the patient or the nurse. She always bought those toys of healthcare tools like stethoscope, injections, etc.. She remembered what type of medicine my mum usually gave me when we were sick, and sometimes asked me to consume those meds even though I wasn't sick at all. My mum recounted that she had never once been scared when she is taken to the doctor. In fact, she showed much enthusiasm that she was meeting a doctor.

Even until now, she always loves the hospital environment, with those white collared people walking around her.

But life is cruel. Life is based on reality. She can't hear. How can she use those stethoscope and listen to anyone's heartbeat?? She then realised that, and she understands her situation. She can't be a doctor. It's just a dream that can't be pursued, unless a miracle happens and she becomes completely healed. She gave up that dream of her and is now diligently pursuing a certificate in management studies, and hopefully can go to university to learn computing or accountancy after that. But she still enjoys watching those surgical TV series like discovery health.

Heartbreaking.

She was still 19 back then.She cried when I said I was accepted in a local secondary school, and I had to leave her and stay in singapore. She said she's gonna miss me.

My sis and I at Suhatta Airport before I left to Spore. She woke up really early to send me off before going to school. Do we look like twins? Hahah.

She is now 21.

But never once has she tried calling someone on the phone. Never once she knows how does being in the middle of noisy folks really feel. Never once she knows how loud can a person be. Never once has she enjoyed the beauty of music. Which is sad as my brother himself is a musician. When I hear people said that without music they would die, deep inside I would say, "Too much exaggeration". Think of is my sister. Of course people won't die without music. If not, my sister would have been dead long ago.

She is now 21.

I used to be a heartless sister to her. I hated her. Many times I felt ashamed because my sister is deaf. Many times I asked God why can't my sister be normal. Many times I asked God why can't I be like the rest of my friends who have elder sisters whom they can play and share girly things together. Many times I didn't acknowledge her as my sister when my friends asked why she talked funny. Many times I told lies to my friend telling them that my sister was now in University, which she obviously was not. I hated it when she tried to give me advices. I always looked at her as inferior. I hated her for being who she was, for being deaf. I hated everything that she told me. I hated to say a simple "thank you" to her whenever she gave me presents. I hated it when I had to appreciate her. I just hated her because she is deaf.

When I think about it, I realised that it's hard for her either. It's not her fault for being the way she is, she didn't choose to be deaf herself. It's hard but she has to accept the fact that she is disabled. And she did it. She understands her condition, and she is now doing whatever she can do. She is a sociable person who is able to make friends with anyone. She is still confident and she is not ashamed that she is disabled. She doesn't feel inferior because she is disabled. In fact, she can confidently say that she is deaf. I respect her.

She is now 21.

She is still a youth, afterall. She wants to have someone whom she can love, and someone who loves her. She has been thinking of a boyfriend.

Logically, my brother and I would think like, "who on earth wants her???" Ok, that's mean. Let me arrange the sentence into this way, "will she be happy when she finally finds her true love?"

I believe she will. I will make sure she is.

She is now 21.

It's hard being her. For normal people like us, our future is determined by us. Whereas for my sister, her hardwork alone is not the only factor.

There are much more inspiring stories of her, things that I learned from her. I love her, and I want her to be happy.

It's been a while since the last time i blogged. Life is getting more and more tiring each day I feel like screaming.

People don't understand me.

It's good to participate actively in extracurricular activities, but I am more concern about my grades rather than ECA whatsoever.

I want to grab as much 'A's as possible, so stop asking me to go here and there and accumulate points. Some weakness in me is that I can't say no to people. I have no heart to disappoint them. Darn. Now I'm in trouble.

I PRACTICALLY WASTED MORE THAN 10x24 HOURS OF MY PRECIOUS REVISING TIME! I want to scream and curse here and there, but God doesn't let me.

Would you stop comparing my life to yours?

I am not talking to one particular person, but to everyone who dares to touch my study week. I come to Singapore to study. My main objective in continuing my education in this darn island is to study. You get me?? I want those 'A's. I want those distinctions! Hell! I want those DHLs!! SO STOP ASKING ME TO DO STUFF DURING MY STUDY WEEK!! I need 3 days to study EBM alone. Tell you what's distracting me?? I HAVE FIVE PAPERS!! I need at least 15 days to revise, and all I have now is less than a week.

Gosh. Did I tell you that I have no heart to disappoint people??? I think I will disappoint my parents when I got no 'A's. No, no. My parents won't SHOW their disappointment (even though I know they are disappointed), But I certainly will disappoint myself. I would feel very extremely bad of myself. I will cry, yes, literally speaking. Let me just be honest. In year 1.1, I scored 1 C for my CommSkills 1. That is a HUGE disappointment! I cried until my parents got fed up. I fell sick. I had no mood to do anything. I felt that I don't deserve to have fun during the vacation. My friends said they scored C for almost all their subjects, I should not be so down if I only got 1.

Whatever. Of course you can stay calm. You are afterall a Singaporean. Tell you what? My parents are earning in Rupiahs so stop thinking that I am a rich b**ch like most of Indonesians in Singapore!! Not yet happy? Ok. My daddy doesn't even have a full-time job. My mum works in a charity organisation, which all of you should know roughly how much she earns. My brother can go to NTU because the Government pays for almost all of his tuition fee. He can stay in the hostel because of the bank loans. I can go to TP because of the Tuition Grant. I still have a 3-year attachment here. My brother and I can continue our education here is only because of God's grace. None of my close relatives has that kind of chance.

Now you know why I want those 'A's really badly?? Because I want to thank my parents for all their hardwork earning those rupiahs, so that I can have a better education and hopefully, have a better future.

Whatever. I'm just being stressed. I am sad. I don't know why should I do this and that. I wish I am not involved in any committee. I wish I could go back this vacation. I wish I could meet my family this vacation. I wish I could walk on the street of Meruya Utara. I wish I could play with my cousins. I wish I could do the wall magazine again. I wish.. I wish.. I wish.. All are wishes.

I miss you mum. I miss you sis. I miss you dad. I miss you frans. I miss you lydia. I miss you han. I miss you ben. I miss you k yessy. I miss you chris. I miss you ci mantha. I miss you gin. I miss you nat. I miss you vin. I miss you yan. I miss you anna. I miss you... I miss all of you...

oh. shut up.

Hello semuaaaa....

Males ngomongin ini itu.
Hari sabtu kmaren ke Sentosa.
Tapi hal yang membetekan terjadi.
Pertamanya sih lumayan, pas bareng TPIS.
Tapi begitu anak2 dari GCC dateng,
sukacita itu hilang.
b e t e.

Kenapa yah?
Pihak gue kah yang bermasalah?
Ato pihak mereka?
Trus.. salah satu dari mereka bersifat sangat nasionalistis,
bikin gue jadi tambah nggak menikmati hari.

Kenapa sih mesti banding-bandingin Singapur sama Indo?
Kenapa sih mesti buka topik tentang itu?
Tentang gimana Singapur lebih hebat dari Indo,
Ato dengan kata lain, tentang gimana Indo lebih terbelakang dari Singapur?

Nenek-nenek peyot juga tau kalo Indo lagi kacau belia.
Jadi kalo boleh gue minta tolong,
gue nggak minta elu kasih tau gua lagi,
karna gue udah tau fakta dan data.

Ngomong apa keq, gue tetep bela negara gue.
Meski gue nggak pernah dapet kesempatan buat ini-itu
karna ras gue yang sangat minoritas...
ras yang dianggap elite, punya rumah gedong dan bejibun aset perusahaan.

Jadi, hai kamu si nasionalistis
Cuman elu doang yang selalu banding-bandingin
I am sick of you.
I am sick of you.

Nggak cuman itu aja.
Masih banyak hal lainnya yang bikin gw bete.
Sekali lagi,
I am sick of you.

Gue perlu minyak angin.
Gue perlu kantong plastik.
KELUAR KAMU!!
Wahai nasi, tahu, kentang, udang, kacang panjang...
Menu makanan gue tadi siang !?