- Jakarta, 27 February 2012
For the past few days I can't spend the day without thinking of him. It is again the same type of old feeling; the feeling that I only felt first four years ago, in 2008. That strong force of love, the urge to reach out and care for one person forever. And the best thing? He returns that feeling.
But there is a problem. A major problem. He doesn't fit in my parents' category of a son-in-law, and maybe my category of a husband too. He is three years younger, he is a Catholic, and he is a European. Yeah, I know. He totally falls outside the picture and I am very much aware of that. But somehow, I don't care anymore. This is exactly how I felt when I fell in love with Wang, my first love. Despite knowing that he didn't fit, I just didn't care anymore.
Being three years younger
Females grow up quicker than males. We went through puberty faster than boys: on average, we got our first period when we were ten or eleven years old. Boys? their voice cracked only when they were fourteen. This explains why a 24-year-old female are expected to be mature, womanly, and graceful, but a 24-year-old guy can still be a kid at heart. This can affect the way that we both think. Furthermore, physically, after pregnancy, it seems that females take a jetplane in ageing. This means that while we have to embrace our old self he can still play around with other younger looking females. AND he is blessed with good looks and he is hot. Yes, this worries me shitty. Like damn he can just snap his fingers and get all the girls queuing to have sex with him.
Being a European
He has a career in Europe. A fantastic one. It is foolish to leave everything behind to come to Asia and build a life with me. I have no career yet, therefore the most viable option is for me to leave Asia and be with him in Europe. Do I want that? I don't know. I have a family in Asia. My siblings need me I can't leave them behind like that. I am raised in a conservative environment who values family highly. If I am to be in Europe with him, when I am in trouble, I would have no one to turn to for help. On the other hand, in Asia, I know for sure that my brother Ivan and my sister Lieke will NEVER leave me. Blood is always thicker than water, an old saying says. Furthermore, he is an only child. The only people we could go to are friends. HIS friends. I don't even have friends in Europe. What if he is the one that is a problem *touchwood*? What if in the future he becomes an alcoholic dude and beats me up? Who will I go to? You may say that Singapore and Indonesia are two different countries either. I am in Singapore and my sister is in Jakarta. But Singapore and Jakarta is a 45-minutes flight away. Tickets are cheap and there are plenty. If my sister in Jakarta needs me I can be there in an instant. But Europe?
Being a Catholic
..... Differences in religions break my heart every single time because I can't tolerate this at all. I am a Christian and I want my partner to be a Christian as well. A DEVOTED Christian. Why? You know why. I trust devoted Christians. I trust Christians who spend time with the Holy Spirit 24-hours. Because I believe in our God, fully, wholly, to the utmost with no questions asked. If my God is his Commander as well, then that means we are following one divine instruction. We are going to the same direction in life, with God as our Boss. It breaks my heart cos I know I have to let him go, despite the strong connection of love. Like I said, I can't tolerate this.
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But love is blind. I have already been wearing pink-tinted shades I can't quite see why it is a big deal. Ok maybe I see how big of a deal that is. I know the consequences and I fully understand that this is a dangerous path to choose but I still want him. Perhaps he is too good to let go. I am super torn apart now :(( I have already fallen in love.
