It just came to my attention that some people despise Indonesians who always talk in Bahasa Indonesia and refuse to speak English when we are with each other.
........ if you study/work in (hypothetically-speaking), for example, Korea!, where everyone speaks Korean and you need to speak the language too on a daily basis in school/workplace and you meet fellow Singaporeans with the same mother tongue as you over there, would you still speak Korean among each other or would you be tempted to use English... or Singlish? or Chinese? or whatever your mother tongue is?
Bahasa Indonesia is our mother tongue, our native language, a language we are most comfortable speaking in. We grew up speaking Indonesian, and that has become part of our identity and culture. We don't want to be pretentious and be someone we are not. We don't want to lose that just because.
Just like you defend your Singlish as being part of your culture, the same goes to our language. Maybe some of us do speak bad English, but that doesn't mean all of us don't speak proper English if need be. I can speak proper English. My friends can speak proper English. Look at yourselves and see in what way we differ from you guys.
It's been especially hard to find a job in this kind of economy. Plus, the Singapore government has been reducing quota for foreign talents. I have tried job hunting since July 12, and now is September 7th and I only attended one interview. That wasn't even an interview I have been looking for cos it was for a sales job. Sometimes I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me. I certainly have better qualifications than my friends who graduated from private universities. Why can't employers just bloody hire me?
It's been nearly two months and I can't keep this any longer. I have been really down and low, frustrated to the max, and I have been cutting down my social circle only to avoid being asked the most annoying question of the century: "have you found a job?"
Then I remember my God. I haven't been really close to Him lately. School has made me distant from my groom. I have all the knowledge that God can make anything happen, but why hasn't He done something? Certainly as what my church always says, this year is the year of God's favour. Apart from graduating, I have not received any favour from the Lord. And I had to admit, I graduated with my own strength and struggles. I kind of didn't include God in my 4 years of studies, which explains my sucky grades. I should have relied on Him more, but what is done is done.
I tried fasting and it only went on for one day. I think I didn't do it right. In my opinion, fasting shouldn't be treated as "God-I-have-fasted-so-you-owe-me-one" kind of thing. I think we shouldn't treat fasting as a way to ask God to grant our wishes. Fasting is about killing our flesh. To have less of us and more of God. I stopped fasting after the first day realising that I have done it wrong. I have been acting like a child, sacrificing something so God would give me something else in return for what I did. I think a true Christian mentality wouldn't be like that. Yes, sometimes we need to fast, but only so God could take over everything in us, so that our flesh no longer exists.
As a human being, I feel that I shouldn't ask God for a huge favour right away. It is not polite. Besides, once He granted me a job, I would be so busy doing my work there will be a high chance that I will forget Him again. Like what happened after I kicked start my undergraduate life. Of course, the situations aren't exactly the same. I think I need to rebuild my relationship with Him first thing, and everything will fall in place. Like Matthew 6:33 says, seek Him first and everything else will be added to you.
Damn. I was so frustrated when I first wrote this blog entry, and along the way I started to reevaluate my Christian faith, and I can't believe I have just readjusted my priority. First I wanted a job, but now I want to reestablish my relationship with God.
Anyway, I have been going to church every week and each week I feel that the word of God is speaking to me. Worship God. Know God. Worship God. Know God. Worship God. Know God. Over and over again. It feels like God is calling me to worship and know Him more.... each bloody week.
So today, I attended the Young Adult service. Guess what is the sermon?
To be successful.
In this world, success is defined by how much we earn, how happy and content is our family, how healthy is our body...... but God doesn't define success the same way. He wants us to cast away what we have, and focus on the cross. Do what the Bible teaches you. Focus on the cross, the sufferings, the sacrifices, and not just the promises. Put God as our priority.
After the sermon I listened to a song by Audio Adrenaline called Walk on Water. To be honest, I haven't heard of this song, I didn't even know there is such a song. It seems like the Holy Spirit asked me to listen, and He made it available on YouTube, complete with the lyrics:
Wow! Just WOW! The song really speaks to me. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will walk on water. Meaning, if I focus on Him alone, if I fix my eyes on Him, I can do the impossible. It's like, greater is He that is living in me, than he that is in the world.
I shall not be worried. My focus now is to get intimate with my Creator. Thank You God for setting my priorities straight.
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Things never happen like I wish they could
Only in my dreams
I've never been willing to give up my heart
Or let myself believe
But I have been waiting all of my life
Just for tonight
And this time I'm hoping, holding out for you
To let me see the light
CHORUS:
Make me a believer for once in my life
Right here and now
Touch me somehow
Let it be tonight
It's all on the line
I'm down on my knees
I don't know how but I'm ready to see
Clear every shadow of doubt in my mind
'Cause I want to believe
I've been sitting here staring at the rain
All alone tonight
Something about you is making me smile
With tears in my eyes
Maybe you've noticed, maybe you can tell
What's happening to me
When you say my name and touch my heart again
It's making me believe
Why can't this be one of the times
When I can see with open eyes
Shine your light
I'll never forget for the rest of my life
No one can define that universally. Happily ever after can only be achieved in a personal matter; what is happiness to you? I think I am happiest when I know that I can love, and be loved. It is again the same type of old feeling; the feeling that I only felt first four years ago, in 2008. That strong force of love, the urge to reach out and care for one person forever.
Recently there is a boy who has a crush on me. He was gorrrrgeousssss physically but there is a problem. A major problem. He doesn't fit in my parents' category of a son-in-law, and maybe my category of a husband too. He is three years younger, he is a Catholic, and he is a European. Yeah, I know. He totally falls outside the picture and I am very much aware of that. But somehow, I don't care anymore. This is exactly how I felt when I fell in love with Wang, my first love. Despite knowing that he didn't fit, I just didn't care anymore.
Being three years younger
Females grow up quicker than males. We went through puberty faster than boys: on average, we got our first period when we were ten or eleven years old. Boys? their voice cracked only when they were fourteen. This explains why a 24-year-old female are expected to be mature, womanly, and graceful, but a 24-year-old guy can still be a kid at heart. This can affect the way that we both think. Furthermore, physically, after pregnancy, it seems that females take a jetplane in ageing. This means that while we have to embrace our old self he can still play around with other younger looking females. AND he is blessed with good looks and he is hot. Yes, this worries me shitty. Like damn he can just snap his fingers and get all the girls queuing to have sex with him.
Being a European
When he returns, he would have a career in Europe. A fantastic one. It is foolish to leave everything behind to come to Asia and build a life with me. I have no career yet, therefore the most viable option is for me to leave Asia and be with him in Europe. Do I want that? I don't know. I have a family in Asia. My siblings need me I can't leave them behind like that. I am raised in a conservative environment who values family highly. If I am to be in Europe with him, when I am in trouble, I would have no one to turn to for help. On the other hand, in Asia, I know for sure that my brother Ivan and my sister Lieke will NEVER leave me. Blood is always thicker than water, an old saying says. Furthermore, he is an only child. The only people we could go to are friends. HIS friends. I don't even have friends in Europe. What if he is the one that is a problem *touchwood*? What if in the future he becomes an alcoholic dude and beats me up? Who will I go to? You may say that Singapore and Indonesia are two different countries either. I am in Singapore and my sister is in Jakarta. But Singapore and Jakarta is a 45-minutes flight away. Tickets are cheap and there are plenty. If my sister in Jakarta needs me I can be there in an instant. But Europe?
Being a Catholic
..... Differences in religions break my heart every single time because I can't tolerate this at all. I am a Christian and I want my partner to be a Christian as well. A devoted Christian. Why? You know why. I trust devoted Christians. I trust Christians who spend time with the Holy Spirit 24-hours. Because I believe in our God, fully, wholly, to the utmost with no questions asked. If my God is his Commander as well, then that means we are following one divine instruction. We are going to the same direction in life, with God as our Boss. It breaks my heart cos I know I have to let him go, despite the strong connection of love. Like I said, I can't tolerate this.
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But love is blind. I have already been wearing pink-tinted shades I can't quite see why it is a big deal. Ok maybe I see how big of a deal that is. I know the consequences and I fully understand that this is a dangerous path to choose but I still want him. Perhaps he is too good to let go. I am super torn apart now :((
No. I have to be strong and keep my integrity. I have to say no.
