Sometimes, when you look at old times' photographs, they all remind you of something that you once had, which you wish to preserve forever. The feelings can never be nasty, because when things turn bad, you don't even want to capture it in the first place.
I have this habit of looking at pictures of old friends. They all bring me back to where I was initially. I was contented and happy. Or so it seemed.
I realized that today, I can never be the same me again. The nice and cheerful girl is gone, replaced with someone a lot meaner. I curse and swear almost everyday, scold vulgar words without hesitation and compromise with my own purity. I don't talk to God anymore and sometimes even think that it is time for me to go out of His way. I don't care if everyone around me going upwards in their spiritual life, all I know is that mine is going down and there is nothing I can do about it.
Let me put it into a simple analogy: There was a shepherd with many sheep (I am one of them). He was taking his sheep up the hill because there has been news that the valley is gonna get caught up on fire. It is gonna get destroyed soon. Hence, along the way, they sort of "collecting" every lost sheep that they can find on the street, hoping that everyone will get "saved" from the disaster. Thus, their numbers keep on increasing. However, in the middle of the journey, I noticed that there is a beautiful scenery down the valley. So I stopped following the rest of the sheep and went downhill to the valley. I met many friends along the way and finally reached the "paradise". I enjoyed where I am now and do not wish to go back to where I was supposed to be. Apparently none of the sheep noticed that I have gone missing because I still see them occasionally. They thought I am walking with them too, but the moment they see me is actually the moment I am pretending that I am there, going through the same journey with them. Because their numbers keep on growing, they lose track of me.
You get my analogy, right? Like, dude, I'm so far below already, there's no way I am going up there. There's no way I can see what is on top of the hill. And besides, I don't care how great the scenery up there, or how am I gonna be save up there, it has now become a knowledge. Just a knowledge. You are up there and I am down here. No matter how it is gonna be destroyed, there is no way I am gonna catch up with the rest. It has all been said and done. It is already too late to cure.
So here I am, far below in the darkest part of my life. I know that I can always seek help, like stop pretending that I am fine whenever I see the rest of the sheep and tell them "hey do you mind looking after me so I won't go back there again and keep on walking with you?" But nope, that's not what I am doing right now.
Part of me wishes to come back to where I belong, which sometimes knocking at the door of my own heart, telling me to put a stop on everything I have become. But sometimes I realized that those sheep that I am following are just hypocrites. They will start seeing me like I am a weird-ass who went down there and treat me as if I am the most pitiful sheep in the world. They will start spreading around the word to the rest of the sheep and everyone else will start looking at me pitifully.
I am so damn stucked in between. This is the greatest dilemma in my life. Going back to the bunch of hypocrites, or stay in the pit but get destroyed eventually?
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