After So Many Years
I have decided to put this blog to a closure. Thank you for being my patient readers.
If you still want to continue reading, you can go to http://iman-sasa.blogspot.co.id
I thank you and may God bless you.
I Refuse to Apologize!
my boyfriend somewhat has a sky-high ego that no one seems to be able to tear it down.
Take into account what happened today. A few days ago he asked me to make a power point slide for his internship presentation. I was busy with my stuff and I hadn't started doing it until today when I got a chance to meet him, I suggested for us to make it together.
I don't know what I did wrong, he snapped.
He is completely turned off and he refuses to talk to me.
When he is angry, he would speed his way on the road as if he can't wait to drop me off.
And today, he sped like a flash, without talking a word. And when he got in front of my house, he quickly turned back and leave. Usually he would wait until someone opens the door for me and he leaves. today, he didn't care.
after several hours, i tried to talk to him. and guess what? he is too proud to talk to me.
the power point slide? he asked his friend to check it out, but he synced it to dropbox so i could see it from my computer, which i think is shit.
NO. THIS TIME, I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE. YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLE AND I WASH MY HANDS CLEAN. THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Aku Bersyukur
Mungkin temen-temen gw mempertanyakan, kenapa sih gw memutuskan untuk sekolah lagi? Di Indonesia, bahkan! Itu kayak downgrade banget gak seh? Plis deh. Lu uda cape-cape kuliah di SMU, mahal pula. Ngapain lu kuliah lagi?
Dulu gw juga mempertanyakan itu. Dulu bahkan gw sempet malu untuk menyatakan bahwa gw sekarang kuliah lagi. Tapi sekarang, orang-orang yang menghakimi gw karena pilihan gw mungkin bisa dibilang adalah orang-orang yang cukup picik untuk melihat dari sisi lain.
Gw bersyukur gw kuliah. Kenapa? Karena network gw sekarang jauh lebih powerful dibanding dulu.
Dulu gw kira gw hebat, bisa kuliah di SMU dan sebagainya. Padahal segala sesuatu nggak pernah dinilai dari meritocracy. Semua ngomongin kinerja, performa, tapi sebenernya yang mengangkat jabatan lu itu adalah politik, dan tentu saja, sikap. Dan gw mempelajari semua itu di sini. Setelah lulus dari SMU, apa yang gw pelajari? Gak ada. Apa yang bisa gw banggakan di resume? Hanya nama baik universitas gw. Apa yang gw bawa? Kesombongan gw.
Mungkin ilmu yang gw terima di PPM dari segi akademis emang gak ada apa-apanya, karena kita semua tau, ilmu itu hanya sekedar kemampuan teknis yang bisa dipelajari siapa saja jika ingin. Namun hal berharga yang gw gak sanggup tukarkan dengan uang adalah koneksi gw: kepada siapa gw bergaul. Banyak orang-orang hebat di sini yang gak pernah gw bayangin bakal jadi temen gw, dan gw gak pernah bayangin kalo gw bakal masuk dalam circle of friends orang-orang hebat seperti ini. Direktur, anak orang kaya sekaya-kayanya (dulu waktu gue kuliah di SMU, bisa jadi temen si Cindy Karim aja bangganya minta ampun). Tapi ini kayak, orang-orang yang berpotensi jadi politisi pun ada di circle of friends gw.
Terus gw juga belajar dari temen-temen gw yang lain cara berinteraksi dengan sesama. Ok. Mungkin kalian anggap ini awkward, tapi gw dulu bener-bener parah dalam hal membuka pembicaraan dengan orang yang tidak gw kenal. Sekarang gw mampu bicara dengan dosen, dengan resepsionis, dengan satpam, dengan pihak luar, tanpa halangan. Kenapa? Karena temen-temen gw semua udah terbiasa melakukan itu, otomatis gw juga jadi ikut terbiasa. Waktu di SMU? Ikut networking event aja udah canggungnya minta ampun.
Okay, networks, i got it. What else?
Faula.
Dia lelaki yang mewarnai hidup gw sekarang dan sangat sangat gw cintai, dan gw sangat menghargai dia. Dia ngajarin gw banyak banget hal yang sebelumnya gw gak dapet waktu di Singapur. Dia yang membuka wawasan gw, dia yang membuat gw menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Sekarang gw lebih bisa berempati terhadap orang lain, lebih ramah, lebih menghargai orang lain dan gak terlalu cepat menghakimi, karena gw melihat dia sebagai contoh yang nyata. Dulu gw sempet ngedumel. Koq dia begini amat sama gw? Tapi meskipun kelihatannya dia gak anggep gw sebagai pacarnya, gw tau kalo di balik semua itu dia juga sangat sayang sama gw.
Jadi intinya, gw bahagia dengan hidup gw sekarang. Gw kuliah S2 dan IPK gw sekarang 3.80. Tentu saja gw dapet confidence boost karena gw gak ngerasa goblok, seperti waktu gw di kuliah SMU dulu, yang lulus tanpa menginginkan apapun dari ijazah IS gw saking bencinya gw dengan sistem komputer dan segala bahasa-bahasa program yang menyakitkan mata dan pikiran. Sekarang, gw tau kalo gw punya bargaining power yang cukup tinggi, dan gw bisa mulai berangan-angan untuk kerja di perusahaan-perusahaan asing dengan gaji yang lumayan. Mungkin kalo gw teruskan untuk ngotot cari kerja di Singapur dengan mengandalkan ijazah SMU gw, rasanya agak susah untuk bisa mendapatkan pekerjaan di sana. Palingan gw akan kerja di perusahaan consulting kecil-kecilan dengan gaji pas-pasan untuk diinvestasikan. Bagi gw, itu bukan pekerjaan yang layak. Gw mau kerja di perusahaan besar dan stabil dan gw mau duduk di bangku manajerial. Doakan gw, amin.
Jadi, gw bersyukur. Untuk temen-temen gw di Singapur yang mencibir: gak apa-apa. Gw emang punya kriteria kehidupan yang mungkin gak lazim untuk kalian, dan mungkin gw harus melalui langkah-langkah ekstra untuk bisa menggapai apa yang mungkin sudah kalian gapai. Tapi gw gak sehebat kalian untuk mencapai itu langsung setelah gw lulus S1. Gw akui gw masih belum punya rasa percaya diri yang cukup setelah gw lulus dari universitas kita yang memang cukup bergengsi itu. Jadi biarkanlah gw belajar biar gw bisa menjadi "orang", namun yang terpenting orang hebat yang rendah hati dan dihargai.... Yang penting kan gue bahagia.... Ya kan?
Temen cukup deket gue baru pulang dari Eropa (anggaplah si A) dan dia kasi oleh-oleh lip smacker ke gw dan ke temen cukup deket gw yang 1 lagi (anggaplah si B).
A: gimana? uda coba belum? Gw suka loh manis-manis gitu
B: UDAH!!! MANIS!!! terusss (tiba2 cekikikan).....
A: Gw tau! gw tau!!!
B: iya iya pacar gw pas nyium gw terus kayak, "KOQ MANISSS!!??" (cekikikan lagi)
A: hahahaha... (dan pandangan beralih ke gw) kalo lu gmn??? Si itu udah nyoba belum? (sambil ngelirik ke pacar gw)
Gw: GUE DICIUM AJA KAGAAKKK!!!!????
Hurt. Again.
Gw hampir lupa gimana rasanya sakit hati, sampai hari ini.
I read your messages to her, and that shattered my heart.
Maybe you were just joking.
Maybe she was one of your best friends.
Maybe you didn't mean it.
But it hurts.
In that conversation you didn't seem to regard me at all.
Like I was nothing.
You ignored my feelings, my status, my existence.
Maybe I over-think things.
But however you judge me, I am already hurt.
I wish I hadn't fallen so deeply into this pitch you and I once created.
I miss the old us
So I have been attached a few months ago and my life has been really wonderful because he has everything a girl like me would ask for.
It's been just two months since we've been a couple. We were so in love and hungry for each other's attention. He used to text me good morning and good night every single day, and in between that, there were tonnes and tonnes of messages, cheesy as they were, but nonetheless cute and lovely.
But things changed. Our conversations keep getting shorter and shorter, and it seems like we ran out of things to talk about. Texts from you were merely just "good morning" and "good night", and nothing else in between. Not even the word "sweetheart" comes after each good morning text. Yes we meet each other everyday because of our work duties but even then we don't talk to each other that much. You used to come over to where I sit and give me a hug. Or maybe if a hug was too much, at least you used to touch my shoulder, letting me know that you wanted me. Now you don't do that anymore. You don't even look at me the way you used to look at me. You used to be so excited and eager, but now, such look on your eyes doesn't exist anymore. Everything between us is dull. No more tight hugs, no more sweet long kisses and cuddles.
What happened to us? I miss the spark between us, the sincerity. I want us to feel the love and excitement that we felt before. Maybe there are things that I said which upset you. I am truly sorry for that and I want to let you know that each day I am learning. It's been just two months and things started to get really boring. Please get back to where we were. Please.
Indonesian Language
It just came to my attention that some people despise Indonesians who always talk in Bahasa Indonesia and refuse to speak English when we are with each other.
........ if you study/work in (hypothetically-speaking), for example, Korea!, where everyone speaks Korean and you need to speak the language too on a daily basis in school/workplace and you meet fellow Singaporeans with the same mother tongue as you over there, would you still speak Korean among each other or would you be tempted to use English... or Singlish? or Chinese? or whatever your mother tongue is?
Bahasa Indonesia is our mother tongue, our native language, a language we are most comfortable speaking in. We grew up speaking Indonesian, and that has become part of our identity and culture. We don't want to be pretentious and be someone we are not. We don't want to lose that just because.
Just like you defend your Singlish as being part of your culture, the same goes to our language. Maybe some of us do speak bad English, but that doesn't mean all of us don't speak proper English if need be. I can speak proper English. My friends can speak proper English. Look at yourselves and see in what way we differ from you guys.
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